The Violence to Healing


I have been, for the last two days or so, feeling so so much better! Not only better from the intense pain I came home from surgery with, but better than I felt PRIOR to surgery! It has made me think about how I got to this.

I hold knitting needles in my hands. And it’s the same with my crochet hook. Knitting and crocheting seem all so fuzzy and fluffy and comforting and relaxing. But I realize there’s violence afoot as I watch the needles, the hook, jab-poke-pierce, over and over again, in and through the soft colorful wool. A beautiful scarf, sweater, or blanket does not happen unless there’s piercing, numerous…no countless…times!

The human body/mind has an incredible capacity for adapting. Prior to this 3rd cutting-open-to-fix-what’s-not-right-inside, I had begun to “adapt” to how my body dealt with the problems. Even as I myself asked for this 3rd surgery to rectify what was ailing me, I was also thinking–“Surely I could just live like this? Surely I can just spend my evenings homebound with a bathroom close by. Surely I can get used to the ongoing pain and lack of sleep? After all, my mornings and early afternoons are OK! I could just live life in the daytime and not go anywhere or do anything in the evenings. Right?”

Somehow I knew that I could not settle for half a life. As much as I love to blog, draw, knit and crochet, I know that was not all I wanted to be doing in the evenings. I wanted to teach knit & crochet classes at night without landing in a bathroom numerous times. I wanted to be able to go to my daughter’s choral concerts, my son’s swim meets, and visit my family out of town. There was SO much I didn’t want to miss out on in life…and I knew, in order to do that, I had to choose the cutting open and being stitched back together once more!

I didn’t plan it this way, but with each surgery, I’ve had a knitting or crochet project going on. I wanted to be making something while I healed. Each project is a beautiful representation of the healing I’ve received, albeit at the price of many piercings, cuttings, and stitchings. Each one was begun just prior to surgery and completed during the days and weeks following.


The first one I called Resurrection Shawl. You can read more about it here if you like.


The second one, I called Adventure Shawl.


And for this third surgery, I began a crochet Ripple blanket made by Lucy’s instructions.


But since I couldn’t very well haul all the yarn to hospital, I also chose the Hitchhiker Shawl to knit using a gorgeous hand-dyed yarn by AndreSueKnits. Her blog and Etsy shop are a delight!


My Crochet2Heal blanket now covers my belly and legs as I sit crocheting with the rich saturated colors by the Christmas tree, healing with every stitch.

I can honestly say that I’m glad I’ve gone through the “violence” once again.  I’m hopeful that this time will be the last for this chapter of my life. I already, 11 days out from major surgery, feel relief from everything that was ailing me prior to the surgery. I am SO grateful! I realize that not everyone who endures surgery receives the relief they were seeking. But I knew that to even have a chance of being able to live my life fully again, I had to endure this violence.

It was the only way. It was and is a miracle.  Each shawl and blanket is a testament to that miracle.

Now, if the stitching on my belly could be just as lovely as the stitching of these yarn items….that would be great…Ha!